Tiffany Haddish had the crowd cracking up at this year's MTV Movie Awards.
We are here to celebrate the best in movies and TV that we watch on our phones. No matter how you watch it you can only see me in HD — that’s hot damn scope. I’m that vivid, bitch!
It’s been a year of firsts for black people. I’m the first black woman to host the MTV Movie Awards, Black Panther is the first African American movie to make a billion dollars, and The Quiet Place is the first film to scare black people out of talking in movie theaters.
I’m always excited to see the Kardashians. Hi! That family is basically the Star Wars franchise.
They make a ton of money, a new one is always popping up, and they’re ruled by a bossy overlord who sleeps in a mask and she loves black men.
And you know who else I love? Zendaya! She taught me how to model and I taught her how to grapefruit. She’s 21 now, y’all! She’s a grown woman. You gotta know how to do that if you want a husband.
Seth Rogen is here. I like you, Seth. You’re my favorite bearded white man since Abraham Lincoln.
The Jonas Brother is here. Nick Jonas is going to tear it up with Mustard, which is also how I want him to tear it up with me.
What up Riverdale! Riverdale is a hit show its a darker version of the Archie comics. Apparently Betty dates Jughead because he’s named after his penis.
Look at those kids from Stranger Things. Everyone thinks they are so cute but hear me out, OK? They ride bikes in a group, Eleven beats asses, and they’re always dropping bodies. Where I come from thats a straight-up gang alright? You never see it, but I know that curly haired one’s got a shank in his hair right now.
I’m glad this show covers both TV and movies because now I get to flirt with Chris Pratt from "Park and Recreations" and Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy. Hey Chris! I got a galaxy you can guard.
Alright, alright I gotta wrap this up because usually when a black girl talks this much on MTV she usually just got catfished.